By Ed Johnson, Ph.D.
(In this week’s special episode, Super-Calvin Coolidge
saves Lady Liberty from the greedy progressives)
NARR: Faster than a speeding bullet –
FX: (SOUND OF GUN)
NARR: More powerful than a Locomotive –
FX: (TRAIN)
NARR: Able to leap tall buildings at a single bound –
FX: (WIND)
MAN: Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Super-Cal! (WIND)
NARR: Yes, it’s Super-Calvin Coolidge, strange visitor from Vermont who came to Washington, D.C. with powers and abilities far beyond those of liberal politicians. Super-Cal, who can change the course of mighty legislation, bend lobbyists in his bare hands, and who, disguised as a mild mannered president for a great republic, fights for truth, justice, and the American way.
LIBERTY: Help! Help!
FX: (WIND)
SUPER-CAL: Never fear, Lady Liberty. It is I—Super-Calvin Coolidge—here to save the day!
LIBERTY: Oh, thank goodness you’re here, Super-Cal! Greedy progressives have infiltrated the government! Both parties keep raising taxes and spending money they don’t have! The economy is falling apart! Whatever shall I do?!
SUPER-CAL: Tsk, tsk! Don’t you worry, Lady Liberty! I shall take care of this, pronto!
FX: (WIND)
NARR: And with that Super-Cal flies into the midst of a swarm of greedy progressives in the heart of Washington D.C.
PROGRESSIVES: Oh, no! Look, it’s Super-Cal! We’re licked now for sure!
SUPER-CAL: Take this, you progressive fiends!
FX: (CRASH! BOOM! POW! BANG! KA-BLOWY!)
SUPER-CAL: Now, have you all learned your lesson?
PROGRESSIVES: Oh, yes, Super-Cal! From now on, we’ll always do good and never again do anything that’s contrary to the Constitution.
SUPER-CAL: Fine. Now step aside and let me show you how to handle this economic mess. First we’ll do the same thing we did to fix the depression of 1920.
PROGRESSIVES: Depression of 1920? We’ve never heard of that.
SUPER-CAL: That’s because my faithful sidekick, Warren G. Harding, and I got it all wrapped up in less than a year—unlike those progressive pantywaists Hoover and Roosevelt who never could get anything right.
Now look here, boys—this is the way it’s done. First we’ll cut the top income tax bracket from 75% to 25%.
PROGRESSIVES: Wow, look at that! Our tax revenues have tripled and unemployment has dropped to just 1.8%! That’s great!
SUPER-CAL: That’s just the beginning. Next we’re going to repeal all that progressive malarkey, from the New Deal forward.
PROGRESSIVES: Really?!
SUPER-CAL: Yes, really!
Anyone with any common sense knows the government doesn’t belong in the banking business. The government caused the mortgage crisis. We’ll fix that by selling off Freddie Mac and Fannie May and letting a free market come up with the best solutions.
And only a nincompoop would think it’s a good idea for the federal government to lend money to itself by buying its own treasury notes, so we’ll just shut down the Federal Reserve and return to the gold standard.
PROGRESSIVES: Gasp! Can we do that?!
SUPER-CAL: You betcha—if you’re a freedom loving American you can!
Clear thinking Americans also know the government doesn’t belong in the insurance business. We’ll get government out of healthcare so a free market can offer health insurance that’s as convenient and affordable as homeowners’ and auto insurance.
Then we’ll turn Social Security over to private companies so free citizens can invest their retirement as they like and have three or four times more money when they retire.
You see, straightening things out is really quite simple. Just read the Ninth and Tenth Amendments of the Bill of Rights. They say if it’s not mentioned in the Constitution, it’s none of the federal government’s business. Now, let’s just clean out the rest of this unconstitutional government malarkey.
FX: (WIND)
PROGRESSIVES: Golly gee wilikers! Just look at that, will ya! Free Americans can come up with the best solutions when the government doesn’t get in their way! We don’t have to become a third-world banana republic like Obama was turning us into! Freedom really can make America the greatest nation after all!
SUPER-CAL: That’s right boys, but just to make sure you’ve all really learned your lesson, I want you each to write the Bill of Rights one hundred times.
PROGRESSIVES: Yes, sir!
FX: (Thousands of pencils begin writing)
OBAMA: Curses! Me and my Marxist sidekicks have been foiled again!
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2/27/2010 The US Government is going broke!